Ave Maria
Naples, Florida (Red Press) -- Domino's Pizza founder Thomas S. Monaghan is in the midst of the rapture. He is undertaking a project to build a true Christian community in the United States, the first of its kind since the end of the witch trials in Salem. And likewise in this community, men will be discouraged from leaving property to women. He plans to spend upwards of $250 million on the project which he calls "God's advanced directive."
Civil libertarians are protesting the project, largely because Monaghan refuses to allow for the free flow of sex and drugs in the community. In a bold move to satisfy liberal slackers, each welcome wagon packet comes with a PS2 video game based on the popular "Left Behind" Christian book series, and the promise that Domino's pizzas can be delivered in 20 instead of the usual 30 minutes.
Monaghan notes that pharmacies will not carry condoms or birth control pills and that abortions will not be allowed. Catholics in the community are expected to adhere strictly to a policy of no sex before marriage. The lack of birth control pills and condoms are not expected to cause a problem in the town as adult women are expected to be divided largely into two groups. Prostitutes and mothers by virgin birth.
Periodic checks for non-Christian contraband will be conducted by the local constables. Regular churchgoers will be warned ahead of these searches, during services, to smear pizza sauce above their doors in order to prevent their houses from being targeted.
Men in the town will be given the opportunity to experience the life of Christ first-hand. They will attend Synagogue and learn the lucrative trade of carpentry. As young men, they are expected to begin taking a more active role in the church and to largely renounce all of their worldly possessions. Renounced possessions will be returned to Monaghan.
Jubilee years will be celebrated on a regular basis, with all debts, other than those to Domino's pizza, being subject to a potential interest rate reduction of one tenth of one percent.
Sometime in their early thirties, each male townsman will receive a chain letter asking him to betray one of his friends, in exchange for a suitcase full of small, unmarked bills and a short length of gold braid rope.
Two of Monaghan's major competitors, Miriam and Michael Ilitch, owners of Little Ceasar's Pizza have announced a plan to start buying property in an adjacent county in Florida where with the help of some high tech Florida pre-fab manufacturers, they are expected to build a town in a day.
Civil libertarians are protesting the project, largely because Monaghan refuses to allow for the free flow of sex and drugs in the community. In a bold move to satisfy liberal slackers, each welcome wagon packet comes with a PS2 video game based on the popular "Left Behind" Christian book series, and the promise that Domino's pizzas can be delivered in 20 instead of the usual 30 minutes.
Monaghan notes that pharmacies will not carry condoms or birth control pills and that abortions will not be allowed. Catholics in the community are expected to adhere strictly to a policy of no sex before marriage. The lack of birth control pills and condoms are not expected to cause a problem in the town as adult women are expected to be divided largely into two groups. Prostitutes and mothers by virgin birth.
Periodic checks for non-Christian contraband will be conducted by the local constables. Regular churchgoers will be warned ahead of these searches, during services, to smear pizza sauce above their doors in order to prevent their houses from being targeted.
Men in the town will be given the opportunity to experience the life of Christ first-hand. They will attend Synagogue and learn the lucrative trade of carpentry. As young men, they are expected to begin taking a more active role in the church and to largely renounce all of their worldly possessions. Renounced possessions will be returned to Monaghan.
Jubilee years will be celebrated on a regular basis, with all debts, other than those to Domino's pizza, being subject to a potential interest rate reduction of one tenth of one percent.
Sometime in their early thirties, each male townsman will receive a chain letter asking him to betray one of his friends, in exchange for a suitcase full of small, unmarked bills and a short length of gold braid rope.
Two of Monaghan's major competitors, Miriam and Michael Ilitch, owners of Little Ceasar's Pizza have announced a plan to start buying property in an adjacent county in Florida where with the help of some high tech Florida pre-fab manufacturers, they are expected to build a town in a day.
posted by Ranger | 6:46 AM
6 Comments:
Bravo! I'm moving! We can be neighbors!
I have a question - why are so many people so upset about people choosing to live a certain way voluntarily?
Well it kind of depends how they choose to live voluntarily. I mean dixieland, with slaves and plantations would be bad.
Now I would be all for a city of Christ in keeping with liberation theology, but if the town wants to build a Christian army to take over the world, that would be bad.
I am unconvinced with regard to Mr. Donaghue's motives, and unsure about any movement to disengage rather than engage society. So I chose to lampoon.
bad analogies, red. slaves and takeovers are not voluntary.
So you oppose communes, kibbutz, and praxis communities? They all disengage from some elements if society in an attempt to improve it via example, too.
As for liberation theology; depends on which strain of it you are speaking of.
I said I was unsure about them not opposed. Communes and kibbutzes certainly have troubling aspects. And I think that although they may in themselves be wonderful societies, they may also be indicia of a problem in the larger society.
Absolutely. In fact, they are often made precisely because the members feel the larger society needs an example of a better way of doing things.
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